


Draw.  Breathe.  Release.

by Aria_Lerendeair



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, BAMF Magnus Bane, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Makes Everything Better, Sparring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 22:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20104579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: When Alec thinks he fails on a mission, he pushes himself into training harder than ever, and this time, he pushes himself too far as punishment for his perceived failure.This time, Magnus steps in to give him what he needs, and to remind him that burdens can be shared, no matter how heavy they are.





	Draw.  Breathe.  Release.

**Author's Note:**

> So while this isn't my first Shadowhunters fic (that was posted to Tumblr yesterday and the second one earlier today, oops), I am new to the fandom, and this is my first Malec fic posted to AO3! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy some hurt/comfort Malec, with Magnus making it all better, cause he's awesome like that. Also, can we get Alec some more cuddles stat? Please?
> 
> Also I don't own these characters, they belong to Cassandra Clare.
> 
> The truly INCREDIBLE [archeryandeyeliner](https://archeryandeyeliner.tumblr.com/) decided to commemorate the first fic I ever posted to Ao3 and created this [(HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS GIFSET)](https://archeryandeyeliner.tumblr.com/post/622395338894032896/thwack-alec-drew-again-breathing-in-slowly) amazing gifset for this fic. It's amazing and perfect and I love it and ARCHER BOY ALEC FOREVER.

**THWACK**. 

Alec drew again, breathing in slowly, waiting, feeling the sweat drip down the back of his neck. Breathe. Only him and the target. 

**THWACK**. 

The sound of splintering wood echoed in the training room. Alec drew again, staring at where his arrow had split the last one. 

**THWACK**. 

His arms were burning, but he was used to it. No time for pain. The targets started to move and Alec moved faster, drawing arrow after arrow, no hesitation in each of his movements. 

**THWACK**. **THWACK**. **THWACK**. 

The last target flew off the pole it was held on under the force and Alec grunted, making a note to mention it to the training staff before he was spinning, aiming for another target that had started to move across the room. 

**THWACK**. 

The arrow sank much deeper into the target than it should. Control. He needed to learn control. He took a deep breath and fired again, this time at the target flying from the wall. 

“Alec, you need to stop.” 

Alec ignored Izzy, breathing in deep, his chest aching as he drew again, spinning for the target behind him before he fired. 

**THWACK**. 

Now the targets would come quicker, really start to challenge his skills. 

**THWACK**. **THWACK**. 

Faster. He had to be faster. He drew and fired, hitting the smaller target dead center. 

**THWACK**.

“I’m going to get Magnus.” 

Alec didn’t register the statement until Izzy was gone and he was alone in the training room again and the target practice simulation ended. Magnus couldn't help him. No one could. He lowered the bow for a moment, and looked at his fingers. They were going numb, but he wasn’t there yet. 

Alec took another deep breath, savoring the stretch of pain and straightened his shoulders, looking around the room. “Run training simulation five,” he ordered, watching as the room shimmered. Two Forsaken appeared in front of him and Alec drew three arrows, firing them without hesitation. 

**THWACK**. **THWACK**. **THWACK**. 

The demons were gone in a flurry of pixels, but Alec was already spinning into the crowd of Shax demons surrounding him. 

~!~ 

Izzy paced the hallway across from the training room, ignoring the other shadowhunters who were gathering to watch the show Alec was putting on. It was impressive, deadly, and really unlike her brother. Which meant that something was wrong. 

She pressed the call button and was relieved when she heard it connect almost immediately. 

“Well, well, Isabelle, not that I am not thrilled to hear from you, but I am in the middle of-”

“Alec needs your help,” Izzy blurted, cutting Magnus off. “He’s, he’s not in trouble, but he’s going to hurt himself if he doesn’t stop, and he won’t listen to me-” 

“What happened,” Magnus demanded, waving a hand to put the potion into stasis before striding out of his apothecary. 

Izzy sighed and looked back at the training room. “I don’t know, but when he, he punishes himself like this, it’s not good. Last time he dislocated his shoulder and broke three bones in his foot, Magnus.” 

Magnus cursed and waved his hand, dressing himself for a trip to the Institute. “I’ll be right there. Which training room?” 

“Three,” Izzy said, tucking her phone back into her holster when she realized Magnus had disconnected the call. It was less than a minute later that Magnus was moving down the hall towards her, shadowhunters scattering from in front of him. 

“Where?” 

Izzy pointed to the training room and watched Alec draw three arrows at once, grunting with exertion before he fired them into the training simulator. 

Magnus turned his attention to Alexander and watched him move, a man possessed, demon after demon taken down under his arrows and his blade. His skin was shiny with sweat, his hair matted, and his eyes were dark and shuttered. Isabelle was right. Something had happened. 

“Clear the area,” Magnus said, looking at Isabelle. “And let me take care of him.” He looked down at his outfit and changed it again with a wave of his fingers. 

Izzy took in the sweatpants, tank top and bare feet before she realized what Magnus was about to do. “Magnus!” 

Magnus gave Isabelle a wave and let himself into the training room. The presence of someone else cut the simulation short and Magnus raised an eyebrow when Alexander turned to him, unnaturally still, his eyes dark. 

“What are you doing here?” Alec said, tightening his hand around his bow. No, _no_, he wasn’t done, he wasn’t done yet, he didn’t want Magnus to see him like this. 

Magnus stepped closer, his eyes taking in the minute trembling in Alexander’s entire body now that he was no longer in constant motion. “You’re going to stop hurting yourself. If you want to hurt something, it’s going to be me.” 

Alec’s eyes widened and he stepped back. “What? No!” 

Magnus tilted his head, approaching Alexander, circling around him, watching the way his shoulders went tense. “You sure about that?” 

“I’m not going to hurt you, Magnus,” Alec said, keeping himself still, drawing in breaths of air that weren’t deep enough. 

Magnus’ eyes glinted and he moved, quick enough to knock Alexander’s feet out from under him. His shadowhunter caught himself just before he hit the ground, but only barely. 

Alec got to his feet in a fluid motion, turning on the warlock, his eyes dark again. “I won’t hurt you,” he repeated. 

“You know, darling,” Magnus said, a small lilt to his voice. “That’s not what I would be worrying about if I were you.” 

Alec frowned, opening his mouth to protest when Magnus spun at him again, all dancers grace and ruthless efficiency. He managed to block the first punch, but the second hit his side, and when Magnus suddenly shifted his center of gravity and bent backward, Alec found himself on his back staring up at the training room. His skin was tingling. 

Magnus watched Alec stand up again, and this time his eyes were focused, a small light in them. He counted it as a win. 

“Jace won’t fight me like this,” Alec said, his voice quiet as he and Magnus circled each other. He rushed forward, but Magnus ducked under the hit, landing a firm kick to his thigh. 

“I’m not your parabatai,” Magnus told him, his eyes glowing now, magic dancing around his fingertips. 

Alec narrowed his eyes. “I can’t be gentle.” 

He needed more persuasion. Magnus stopped their circling and stared Alexander down. “Do I look like I want gentle?” 

He didn’t give Alexander a chance to answer, feinting for Alexander’s legs, only to twist, absorb a blow to the side that Alec managed to land, before he flipped his Shadowhunter over his shoulder and onto the floor of the training room, _hard_. 

Alec’s skin stung from the impact of the wood, but his heart was racing for a different reason now. He pushed himself up and grinned, his eyes lighting up. “You won’t go easy on me?” 

His heart ached for what Alexander needed in this moment, but the light in his eyes was the first sign that he was starting to come back to himself, that he was crawling out of the dark hole he was caught in. 

“No,” Magnus shook his head. “No going easy for either of us.” This time, Alexander charged him, his attacks tight and controlled. Magnus spun and deflected most of them, forcing Alexander to disengage, smirking at the grunt of frustration. 

“Stand and fight me properly,” Alec growled. 

Magnus laughed, ducking under another attempt at a grab, catching Alexander’s arm, twisting it to hold him at arm’s length until he grunted in pain. “ _ Properly _ , hm?” he released the arm he had a hold on with a shove, forcing the rest of Alexander’s body to move against his will and was able to catch Alec’s thigh and yank upwards, forcing him to the floor. 

Instead of backing away to wait for Alec to recover and stand again, Magnus followed him to the floor, pinning him to the ground, leaning over the shadowhunter, until he could whisper against his lips. “Make. _Me_.” 

Alec twisted and forced Magnus off of him with a shove, sending him rolling across the training floor. Rather than waiting, he darted in, grabbing Magnus’ arm, dropping his center of gravity and trying to twist it behind him. Which would have worked, if Magnus hadn’t gone completely limp in his hold, putting his full body weight on his wrist. Alec had to let go of him or risk dislocating his wrist, and then jump backwards when Magnus’ legs tried to knock him off his feet again. 

He glared at Magnus. “Cheating.” 

Magnus smiled and gave Alexander a small bow. “All is fair in love, war, and hand to hand, my darling.” 

His skin was buzzing now, and the roaring in his ears was starting to subside. “Is it?” he snarled, pulling out his stele, tracing over his runes in quick, efficient motions until he could feel the rush they each brought as he stalked towards where Magnus was bouncing on the pads of his feet. 

“Time for the gloves to come off, I see?” Magnus said with a smile. The aura around Alexander was tinged with anger and desperation. Despite the runes, it wouldn’t take long for him to hit his breaking point. He took a deep breath and let the sparks chase up his hands and his arms, taking a traditional boxing stance as Alexander started to circle him. 

Alec didn’t wait long, charging at him with a vicious right hook. Magnus caught the punch in the palm of his hand, grunting under the force. If he hadn’t been using his magic to augment himself, that punch would have broken at least a few bones in his hand. Alec stared at him with wide eyes and Magnus grabbed his hand, pulling him close enough to land two quick hits to Alec’s ribs before he backed up a step, raising his hands again. 

“That was fancy,” Alec muttered, pushing his hair off his forehead. “Showoff.” 

Magnus couldn’t help the faintest smirk. “It’s a showstopper, what can I say?” 

“That the best you got?” Alec taunted, watching Magnus pace in front of him. 

Magnus tilted his head, studying Alexander, at the exhaustion clinging to him, and how he was hiding it. “No. If you want to fight me at my best, then you would need to be at your best, Alexander.” 

Alec scowled, cracking his knuckles before he dove in again, attacking Magnus with a flurry of punches. He knew it was too much, heard Magnus grunt in pain, but Magnus was giving as good as he got, standing toe to toe with him, trading vicious punches that were connecting now more often than they weren’t. It hurt, but this was good, he  _ deserved _ for it to hurt. 

It wasn’t until Alexander swung at him, missed, exhaustion dripping from every inch of him that Magnus stopped, dropped his stance and caught his shadowhunter before he fell to his knees. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you love, I’ve got you.” 

Despite Alexander whispering protests, Magnus hushed them all, slowly rubbing his hand up and down Alec’s back, soothing him as best he could, letting him come down from the adrenaline rush of their fight. 

Alec had no idea how long they’d been kneeling on the training room floor when he managed to blink himself into awareness again. Magnus was still holding him close, humming quietly to him. 

“Magnus?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. 

Magnus sagged in relief, pulling back just enough to study Alexander’s face. “I’m right here.” 

Alec took a deep breath and his chest ached, and he felt like he’d been run over with a truck, blinking slowly. Magnus didn’t look much better, bruises starting to form on his skin and Alec felt sick. “I hurt you.”

“Before you feel guilty about that,” Magnus said, giving Alexander a firm pat on his shoulder. “Take a look at yourself, and remember I can heal us both.” 

Alec blinked and took stock of himself. He felt like he’d spent the day sparring with Jace and they’d both kicked each other’s asses. He groaned and covered his face with his hands. “_Fuck_.” 

Magnus pushed himself to his feet, holding out a hand to Alexander. “Come on. We both need a bath, healing, and then time to talk.” 

Alec used Magnus’ hand to stand and had to force himself to steady, his whole body weighed down. “Shit, I overdid it.” 

“That is an understatement,” Magnus says, his voice dry, even as he summoned a portal. “Isabelle is taking care of things, and I am going to take care of you.” 

When Alexander didn’t offer up any additional protests, Magnus pulled him through the portal and into the loft. Alexander was trying to retreat into his head, to deal with whatever had made him lose himself in the training room in the first place. He gave his shadowhunter a few moments to himself, starting the bath, adding oil, and, with a brief handwave, had food for them in the bedroom before he stopped in front of Alexander again. 

“Now,” Magnus said, reaching out to rub a hand down Alexander’s arm. “Strip, and we’ll both climb into the bath.” 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Alec mumbled, stripping off his shirt, pants and underwear, heading for the bathroom. 

Magnus followed Alexander into the bathroom, pulling his own shirt off, offering a hand to help Alec into the tub, watching as he hissed, sinking into the sandalwood scented water. “Would you prefer me to be angry?” He got rid of his clothes with a quick snap of his fingers and stepped behind Alexander, picking a bottle of shampoo off the shelf on the wall. 

“Jace always was,” Alec sighed, closing his eyes as he leaned back in the tub, stretching his legs out. He wiggled his toes for a moment, savoring the extra space that definitely shouldn’t be there, but was.

“I did say earlier that I’m not your parabatai,” Magnus chided, motioning for Alexander to make room before he crawled into the tub with him, curling into Alec’s chest. “I understand. I don’t know what caused it, until you tell me, but I understand.” 

Alec hummed, bringing his arms up and around Magnus. Like this, it was easier to drift and forget, to savor the aches and pains. 

Magnus chuckled, pressing a kiss to Alexander’s heart. “You don’t believe me, do you?” 

Alec opened one eye, staring at the top of Magnus’ head. “I...believe you. But I wish that you didn’t.” 

“You aren’t the first person in the world to chase physical pain as a way to get away from emotional pain, Alexander,” Magnus murmured. “Nor are you the first to use it as a way to process grief.” When Alec immediately tensed under him, Magnus knew he’d found the reason for what Alexander had been putting himself through. 

“I, I don’t-” 

“Shhh,” Magnus hushed, reaching up to press a palm to Alexander’s chest, then up around his shoulders, holding onto him carefully. “I told you. I understand. I’ve done it myself.” His lips curled briefly. “Pretty sure I didn’t look as good as you did doing it, but, then again, I had far unhealthier coping mechanisms.” 

Alec snorted, relaxing again, giving Magnus a small squeeze. “Jace and Izzy never got it,” he offered up quietly. “Jace tried, but the first time I tried to get him to push, to, to…” 

“Hurt you?” Magnus offered quietly. 

“Yeah,” Alec sighed. “He thought there was something else wrong, and it hurt him, and I could feel the hurt through the bond and it just…” he shook his head. “It was always easier to do it alone, after that.” 

Magnus hummed, shifting so he could press a hand to Alexander’s chest. No serious injuries, but a few bruised ribs and some overly abused fingers. He healed them with a quick spark of magic. 

“Don’t get rid of all of it,” Alec asked, his voice tiny. “Please?” 

Magnus shook his head and turned to press a kiss to Alexander’s heart. “Only the bruised ribs and the minor fractures in your fingers. You can work with a few bruises, but I won’t have your range of motion compromised if you go on patrol.” 

Alec let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. It was easier to breathe, now, but he still felt the ache of a damn good training session. He smiled before his eyes flew open and he jolted, sending the water rocking. “Heal yourself!” 

Magnus pulled back and blinked in confusion at the sudden tension in Alexander’s entire body. His eyes were wide and terrified and roving over every part of him that he could see. “I’m perfectly fine,” he said, leaning into Alexander’s chest again. 

“No, no, I hurt you, you have to heal yourself!” Alec protested. 

Magnus shifted again, this time a tad impatiently as he looked at Alexander. “Alexander, my darling. Look at me.” Anguished hazel eyes met his a moment later. “I’m fine,” he repeated. “You’ve given me more bruises when fucking me against a wall than you did tonight.” 

Alec’s eyes widened and he blushed, slamming his eyes shut. “Magnus!” 

Magnus couldn’t help the small grin as he shifted, leaning up to kiss Alexander softly. “It’s true. You were too exhausted to notice tonight, but you were far from your best. I did knock you off your feet multiple times.” 

“But I used my runes,” Alec protested, nuzzling into Magnus’ neck with a small whine. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.” 

Magnus huffed and rolled his eyes, shifting so he could push himself back from his cozy spot on Alec’s chest. “While your apology is appreciated, it is entirely unnecessary.” He gestured to his chest, at the few forming bruises on his arms, and his sides. “See?” 

Alec leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the bruise by where Magnus’ belly button should be. Then the next one, then the next. He wrapped his arms around Magnus’ legs and pulled him in close again. “You’re really not angry?” 

Magnus smiled and combed his fingers through Alec’s hair, rinsing it with the scented water. “I’m not angry. Worried, yes. But not angry.” 

Alec relaxed and gave Magnus a shy smile. “Could I, uh, ask for something?” 

“Anything, Alexander.” Magnus would do anything in the world to keep that smile on Alexander’s face for the rest of their lives. 

Alec took a deep breath. “Would you, um. Uh, could you wash my hair?” At the surprised blink, he rushed on. “It’s just, that, you doing it feels amazing, and it’ll help me stay grounded here, and it feels really good, and I kinda need…” his voice trailed off and he bit his lip. “Thatrightnow,” he finished with a whisper. 

Magnus reached out and cupped Alexander’s chin in his palm, pulling him in for a soft kiss, until the fear and tension had bled out of his shadowhunter. When adoring hazel eyes looked up at him again, he smiled and tapped Alec’s nose. “I told you anything, Alexander. And this is something I do love doing for you. Dunk your head.” 

Alec obeyed the order easily, relaxing as Magnus’ hand immediately cupped the back of his, pulling him out of the water. He didn’t bother opening his eyes as he heard the opening of a cap, and then Magnus’ hands were in his hair and massaging his scalp, slow and perfect. 

When Alexander immediately groaned and sank into his hands, his whole body losing the tension like he’d cut a string, Magnus pressed closer to him, supporting Alec as he slowly massaged the shampoo into his boyfriend’s hair. He took his time, working to make sure Alec was boneless before he spoke again. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Magnus whispered. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” 

Alec sighed and opened his eyes, looking up at Magnus. “You’ve always told me not to shut you out. To let you help.” 

Magnus conjured a cup and slowly started to rinse Alec’s hair, combing his fingers through the thick strands. “Yes. You don’t have to be the sole bearer of all of your wounds, Alexander.” 

Alec blew out a hard breath, closing his eyes as Magnus tilted his head back. “It’s always kids.” 

Magnus paused, taking a moment to consider that statement, offered up without context, before he resumed rinsing Alec’s hair until the last of the shampoo was gone. He snapped conditioner into his hands, working it into Alec’s hair, encouraging him to keep talking. 

“It’s,” Alec whispered. “They can’t defend themselves. They can’t run. They’re just scared, and they need help. When we can’t help them, and we’re supposed to help, that’s what we’re supposed to do, and we can’t-” 

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted, combing his fingers through Alec’s hair, massaging in the conditioner. “Breathe, darling.” 

Alec exhaled hard and nodded, trying to focus. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. Want to try again?” 

Alec blew out a hard breath and opened his eyes, looking up at Magnus again. “We didn’t get there quick enough to stop the attack on a school. We saved most of them, but…” he trailed off his voice stumbling. “A few of them we couldn’t save. We tried, but-” 

“Hey,” Magnus whispered. “You saved so many more than you lost. And you can’t save everyone, Alexander.” 

“But if I’d been faster, if I’d been better, I could have-” 

Magnus interrupted him with a kiss this time, before pulling away to look at Alec. “You cannot torture yourself with what ifs. They will rip you apart. You saved everyone you could, and they are so grateful.” 

“But-” 

“No,” Magnus said, pressing a finger to Alec’s lips. “There is no but. Learn from your mistakes, be better next time. But do not carry the guilt of the dead on your shoulders, Alexander. That is for those who brought death to those lives too early.” 

Alec stared at Magnus, searching his eyes for any hint of insincerity, that Magnus thought he’d failed too, but all he could see was understanding and compassion. He exhaled hard, sagging into Magnus. 

“Whenever I’d feel like I failed,” Alec started, closing his eyes as Magnus started to rinse the conditioner. “I’d train until I didn’t feel like a failure again, or until I couldn’t anymore. We all, we have our coping mechanisms. That was, is, always mine.” 

Magnus hummed, finishing rinsing the last of the conditioner out of Alexander’s hair, curling in close to him again, wrapping his arms around Alec’s shoulders. “How often?” 

“Used to be once every few months,” Alec muttered, pressing his face to Magnus’ neck, exhaling hard. “Sometimes more, when things got bad. Been less, since I met you. This is the first time in, almost six months, I think.” 

Magnus smiled and kept up the slow massage of Alec’s scalp, letting him soak up all the comfort he could. “What changed?” 

Alec blew out a hard breath, feeling his cheeks redden. He pulled back enough to look at Magnus, meeting his eyes, but not enough to dislodge his hand. “You.” 

“Me?” Magnus said back, his voice quiet. 

Alec leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. “I used to…” he swallowed, shifting to wrap his arms around Magnus’ waist, tugging him in. Let him in. He had to let Magnus in. He took a deep breath. 

“Alexander, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want-” 

Alec pressed a finger against Magnus’ lips. “Let me, let me find the words?” 

Magnus nodded and settled comfortably, kissing the finger against his lips. 

Alec loved and hated that Magnus looked like he could sit there forever, comfortable, waiting on him. All at once, he registered the cooling bathwater and looked down at it with a frown. He glanced back up at Magnus. “Can we, uh,” he hesitated. “Bed? And talk there?” 

“Of course,” Magnus said with a smile, kissing Alec softly, climbing out of the bath. He summoned a towel to his hands, drying himself off quickly, before he summoned another and offered his hand to Alec. “Come here, let me.” 

Alec took Magnus’ hand, stepping out of the tub, glad when Magnus kept a firm hold on him, because he was finally starting to remember how  _ tired _ he was. When Magnus started to dry him off, he frowned. “Magnus-” 

“Nope,” Magnus interrupted, smiling at Alexander. “I’m taking care of you, darling. You’ll have to survive.” He focused on his task again, glad when Alec didn’t offer any additional protests. Magnus took his time, patting Alexander dry, then slowly rubbing the towel over his hair. Once he was done, he snapped his fingers and had one of his silk robes in his hands, sliding Alec’s arms into it, one after another. 

Alec looked down at the robe and gave a faint smile. “It looks better on you.” 

Magnus studied Alexander and grinned. “I beg to differ,” he said, smoothing out the silk fabric. The dark maroon with black edging suited Alexander. “Now, come on. I owe you cuddles, and if you feel like it, you can talk, okay?” 

Alec nodded, following Magnus into the bedroom, watching him magic most of the pillows to the floor with a grin, and turn back to the covers. He also saw his phone end up magic’d to its usual spot on the dresser on his side of the bed. He had a  _ usual spot _ . He had a  _ side of the bed. _ The realization left him staring in shock at the bed. 

“Alexander?” Magnus couldn’t place the expression on Alec’s face, but he was staring at the bed. “Are you all right?” 

“I have a side of the bed,” Alec said, stupidly. 

Magnus blinked and tilted his head, moving back towards Alexander, reaching out to take his hand. “Yes, you do. Do you want the other side?” 

Alec shook his head quickly, wrapping his arms around Magnus. “No, no, it’s perfect.” 

“Alexander, I promise I don’t mind if you want to-” 

“No,” Alec said, his voice firmer. “It’s, it’s not that. It’s...there’s  _ space _ for me here. It’s, it’s your home, your bedroom, and I...I have parts of it.” 

Magnus leaned into Alexander’s hold on him. “Of course you do. Not enough, and I keep meaning to fix that, if we can ever get more than five minutes of breathing room and-” Alexander’s finger stopped him and he looked up at the shadowhunter. 

“I’ve never been allowed to, to take up space in my life,” Alec whispered. “Jace, Izzy, they always needed, and I didn’t mind, it was easy to take what was left and, and make due.” 

Magnus thought about how Alexander had been when they had first met, the way he had always hung back, his shoulders hunched under the weight of responsibility, and to let Jace and Isabelle shine. It always fell on him to give to them and he’d nearly broken under the weight of it. 

No more excuses. Tomorrow, he was going to reschedule his clients and spend time making space for Alexander here. Magnus reached up and cupped Alexander’s face, running his thumbs along Alec’s cheekbones, watching his eyes flutter. 

“You are allowed to take up space here, Alexander. More than that, you are allowed to  _ ask _ for space,” Magnus whispered back to him, leaning up to kiss him. “Perks of a warlock boyfriend, I can wave more rooms into existence,” he added, glad when Alec’s lips twisted into a smile. 

“Okay,” Alec whispered. He looked back to the bed, to his side of the bed and smiled, shrugging off the robe before he climbed into the soft blankets with a happy sigh. “Get in here.” 

Magnus didn’t need to be told twice. He slid into the bed and immediately pulled Alexander into his arms, smiling when his shadowhunter pulled him closer. Magnus reached out and tangled his fingers in Alec’s hair, combing through it slowly, feeling Alexander go boneless again. 

“I used to…” Alec drawled, his voice soft and lazy under the onslaught of comfort. “Feel like I was going to break apart under the weight of it all. Every day was another crack. Like I was going to collapse under the weight of  _ hiding _ , of trying to be perfect.” 

Magnus tightened his arms around Alexander, as though he could keep him together in one piece by sheer will. 

Alec gave a sad, wet chuckle, pressing his face against Magnus’ neck, listening to his pulse. “Every day I lied. I hid. I took up as little space as possible while carrying as much as I could. I covered for Izzy and Jace and I don’t regret it, I love them,” Alexander gasped out the words, his chest constricting. “But I wanted someone to see, to, to, _help_.” 

Magnus swallowed hard, clenching his eyes shut at the pain in Alexander’s voice. 

“Then,” Alec said, his voice going soft. “Someone did.” He paused and smiled against Magnus’ skin. “ _ You _ did. You saw me. You didn’t let me hide. You called me, asked for me to help you with Luke, it was my team you asked for, nickname you gave  _ me _ .” Alec exhaled hard. “You  _ saw _ me. You, you somehow knew what I was hiding and, and, it was  _ okay. _ It didn’t matter to you.” 

Magnus gave Alexander’s hair a careful stroke, combing his fingers through it, keeping his breathing slow and steady. “You were all I could see, all I wanted to see, Alexander,” he admitted softly. 

“You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life. When the wedding…” Alec trailed off with a wet laugh, tears leaking out from his clenched-shut eyes. “I thought you were a dream, at first,” he whispered. “When you walked through the door. I wasn’t worth that gesture, especially not by someone like you.” 

Magnus’ breath caught. That explained the wide-eyed shock that had been initially present on Alexander’s face during the wedding. 

“And then,” Alec didn’t know where all of these words were coming from, but now that he’d started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “We, we decided to do this. To be more to each other. And you told me not to shut you out.” 

Alec took another deep breath and pulled back, meeting Magnus’ eyes. “I, I’m getting better. I don’t need to hurt to drive the pain away as much. But I’m scared,” he whispered, dropping his eyes to Magnus’ collarbone. “I’m scared if I tell you I need to hurt to feel better, if I try to give you that burden, it’s, it’s going to be too much. And, and, I can’t…” 

“Hey,” Magnus whispered, leaning in to kiss Alexander’s forehead. “I told you. I’m not your parabatai, Alexander.” 

Alec flinched and bit down on his lip. “It was too much for Jace.” 

“Alexander.” Magnus reached out and took Alexander’s chin in his hand, forcing him to meet his eyes. “Did I, or did I not give you exactly what you needed today?” 

Alec shuddered under the firm tone. “I hurt you.” 

“That was  _ not _ ,” Magnus said, keeping the same firmness. “What I asked you, Alexander. You needed to hurt today. I hurt  _ you _ . You have bruises, strained muscles. Was it what you needed?” 

“I…” Alec swallowed and nodded slowly. “Y-yeah.” 

“ _ Good _ ,” Magnus said, his voice gentling. “Then I want you to make me a promise, and I’ll make one to you in return, okay?” 

Alec blinked. “What promise?” 

“Promise me, that when you need to hurt, like you did today, you come to me. You don’t try to hide it, or deal with it on your own, you come to me, and tell me,” Magnus demanded, keeping his voice soft, even as he kept their eye contact. “And I will promise, if needing to do this becomes too much for me, I will tell you. I will not leave, but we will find you another solution. Can you do that?” 

Alec’s mouth went dry and he stared at Magnus, his eyes wide with shock. “I…” 

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “Trust me.  _ Please _ .” 

“I do,” Alec whispered back, the words ripped out of him. They were a fundamental truth of his universe. He trusted Magnus with his everything. “I do trust you.” He tightened his fingers into Magnus’ back, swallowing hard. “I p-promise.” 

“Repeat what you’re promising back to me,” Magnus told him, resuming the gentle stroking of Alexander’s hair. 

Alec’s eyes fluttered. “I promise, if I need to h-hurt, I’ll come to you. Tell you.” 

“Good,” Magnus whispered, leaning in to reward Alexander with a soft kiss. “I promise that if I can’t handle that, I will tell you, and we will find another solution. Okay?” 

Alec shivered and swallowed hard. “Y-yeah.” 

Magnus smiled and shifted his hold so he could rub his hands slowly up and down Alexander’s back. “Sleep now, Alexander. I’ll protect your dreams.” 

Alec tucked his head against Magnus’ heart, listening to the slow, steady beats and sighed again, relaxing. “I love you.” 

Magnus kissed the top of Alexander’s head. “And I love you, Alexander. Sleep, darling. I’ll be here when you wake.” 

It was easy, then, to be lulled to sleep by the steady heartbeat under him, and Magnus’ arm wrapped firmly around him. 

Magnus kept up the slow, sweeping touches to Alexander’s back until a soft snore was breathed out against his neck. He smiled and lifted his hand, magic gathering around it. He’d never done this single-handed while lying in bed before, but, it was a good time for experimentation. 

It took about twice as long as it would have normally, but by the time he was done, Magnus grinned, pleased, and dropped his hand back down to Alexander’s warm skin. It would be a wonderful surprise for the morning. 

~!~

When Alec blinked into awareness, the sun hitting his eyes, Magnus’ arm was warm and solid around him and he sagged back into the warmth of the blankets, studying Magnus’ face as he slept. He looked so happy and relaxed like this. Alec couldn’t help grinning at the sight of Magnus’ hair, and his fingers twitched with the desire to have his phone so he could take a picture. Magnus was not allowed to make fun of him for his bedhead anymore. 

“I can feel you smiling,” Magnus murmured, opening one eye to look at Alexander. He had one of his soft and open smiles on, none of the darkness from last night lingering. He relaxed. “What’s funny?” 

Alec couldn’t help it, he broke down snickering. “Don’t. Move,” he ordered, reaching behind him to grab his phone. He swiped the camera open and held it above Magnus, turning to look at him as he snapped the picture. 

Magnus’ eyes snapped open, staring up at the phone in horror. “Alexander!” 

Alec yanked the phone away before he even got a chance to look at the picture. “Nope, nope, mine!” 

Magnus gave a dramatic sigh and threw an arm over his eyes. “How bad is my bedhead?” 

“On a scale of one to ten?” Alec hummed. “About a twelve.” 

Magnus groaned, hiding his face in the pillow. “If you show that to anyone, you will sleep on the couch for at least two nights.” 

“Two, huh?” Alec laughed. “Sounds like someone doesn’t have the restraint to kick me out of their bed properly.” 

“I mean, it’s  _ you _ ,” Magnus mumbled, shifting so he could open an eye to look at Alexander again. “All right, let’s see the atrocity.” 

Alec flipped open his lock screen and opened his photos and went still, looking at the photo. He grinned, catching sight of the bedhead, and then froze, staring at his phone. He swallowed. “ _ Oh _ .” 

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked, pushing himself upright so he could see the phone. “I know it’s bad, but it can’t be that…. _ oh _ .” 

“Yeah,” Alec whispered, staring at the picture. With the sun from the window haloing them, the soft smiles on their faces, both of them looking at each other, they looked… 

Magnus gave another dramatic sigh. “Why does the most romantic picture I’ve ever seen us take have to include me with the most ridiculous bedhead in existence?” 

Alec couldn’t help grinning, pressing down on the picture so he could set it as his lock screen and background. “It’s _perfect_.” 

“You’re perfect,” Magnus muttered, reaching out to pull Alexander back against his chest. “And I have a surprise for you this morning. Once we pull ourselves out of bed.” 

Alec blinked and looked up at Magnus. “A surprise? When did you have time to-” 

“I can’t give away all my secrets now can I?” Magnus teased, kissing Alexander’s nose. “Now, surprise, or cuddling in bed?” 

Alec’s stomach gave a loud growl, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten until much earlier in the day yesterday and he gave Magnus a sheepish look. “Food and surprise?” 

Magnus laughed and kissed Alexander again. “Food and surprise I can do,” he promised, rolling out of bed with a slow stretch. He felt Alec’s eyes on him and looked over his shoulder with a smirk. “And maybe bed again after.” 

“Read my mind,” Alec said, climbing out of bed, his muscles still singing with a faint ache from yesterday. Magnus really hadn’t taken it easy on him. Felt good. He walked over to his drawer in the dresser and paused with his fingers over the knob, blinking in surprise. He had a  _ drawer _ . He tugged it open and pulled out a shirt and a pair of boxer briefs, slipping them on before turning to Magnus who was wearing the robe from last night. “See? Looks better on you.” 

Magnus blew Alexander a kiss. “Flatterer. Now, come on.” He reached out and took Alexander’s hand, leading him towards his Apothecary, and the new door next to it. 

Alec blinked in surprise at the plain black door, and the Angelic Power rune that flared bright gold as he approached. “What’s…” 

Magnus gestured for Alexander to open the door. “For you.” 

Alec opened the door and his eyes went wide as the room was lit with bright lights, floor to ceiling windows on the opposite wall flooding the room with natural light. Along the wall was a weapons rack, and the room was long enough to act like a full range, with targets waiting on the other end for him. He spun back around to look at Magnus, but instead his eyes caught on the open doorway that went to Magnus’ apothecary and the desk beside it. It had the file folders he’d left in a disarray on the coffee table the last time he’d brought work home stacked carefully on it, and he would have a view of Magnus in his office if he sat there. 

Alec turned to Magnus and swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Wh-what’s this?” 

Magnus spread his hands and smiled. “ _ Space _ .” 

Alec’s breath caught and he stared at Magnus with wide eyes. 

“You are welcome to work wherever you want in the house, but there’s a desk if you want to put things there,” Magnus waved towards it. “There’s weapons and workout equipment for when you want to get in a workout on your days off without going to the Institute, and there’s a range for that as well.” 

When Alexander didn’t say anything, he forged on. “This is your room. No one can come through that door except for you, it’s tied to your Angelic Power rune. I can, uh, obviously come in through my office,” he waved at the open doorway. “But this is your space, Alexander, to do what you like with. Anything I’ve forgotten, or you want to add, we can.” 

Alec turned in a slow circle, looking around the room before returning his eyes to Magnus. “It’s too much.” 

Magnus shook his head and moved closer to Alexander, taking his hand, giving it a squeeze. “No, it isn’t. There needs to be space for you here, and not just small snatches you can find. You deserve to have  _ your _ space, Alexander. Just yours.” 

Alec’s breath caught and he looked around the room again, this time cataloguing everything in it. “I, it’d be nice, to, to read reports while you mix potions.” 

Magnus smiled wide. “I thought you might like that.” He watched Alec walk towards the doorway between the two rooms and added quietly. “And I thought, when you needed to  _ hurt _ , we could come here. Do it here so you don’t have an audience.” 

Alec’s eyes shot to Magnus and stared at him. “You...you made the room with that in mind, too?” 

Magnus nodded. “Are you angry?” 

Alec let out a relieved laugh, tilting his head back, clenching his eyes shut as he shook his head. He had a place to  _ go _ now, when he needed it. Magnus had given him that. He didn’t have to wait until he was about to vibrate out of his skin and the training rooms were free. 

“Alexander?” 

Alec spun around, stalking towards Magnus, picking him up by his waist before pinning him against the nearest wall, watching his eyes go wide and flick to gold slits. “You are perfect,” he growled. 

“ _ Oh _ ,” Magnus whispered, a teasing grin appearing. “Time to christen your room?” 

“ _ Yeah _ .” 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: 
> 
> [Aria-Lerendeair ](http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/)


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